The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
You remind me of a thunderstorm: positively striking.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
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