"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
There’s an earthquake in my heart, and you’re the epicenter.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
Excuse me, do you happen to have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I scraped my knees falling for you.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
Don't get tide down.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
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