“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
If you were a tree, you’d be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
"You are so bottlefull to me."
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
Hey, so how do you spell your name?
OK, and how do you spell your number?
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
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