I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Are you a tenor? Cuz you're the only ten I hear
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
A space fish is usually called starfish.
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
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