It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!
"I'm eggs-hausted."
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
Can I slip one past your goalie?
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Whenever I look at you I see something more desirable than chocolate.
"Standing next to you makes me feel better about myself."
- 30 Rock
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A Mars-upial.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
(give a dozen plastic roses) "I'll stop loving you, when these roses die.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
Are you the flags in a 200 back swim? Because I’ve been looking for you forever.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Control freak.
Co…
You should say "Control freak who" now.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
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