"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
What a great match, guess you could say its my Luke-y day
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
Variety is the ice of life.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
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