Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.

You’re the only (cutie) pie I need.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!

Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!

“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown

A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.

Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.

I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.

The Best Break Up Lines
Want to know a joke? Our relationship.

Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.

You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.

What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.

There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.

I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"

My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.

What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome

Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.

I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.

What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.

Grate.

If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.

There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.

Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.

Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years

Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.

What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin

Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet

Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!

Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now

As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.

A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.

I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.

What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.

No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!

Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.

What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ

Bob Monkhouse

“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”

How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.

I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.

Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.

Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn

What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.

What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.

Yeah but what about the ears?

You never heard of mountaineers?

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.

"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."

RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.

I eat eel while you peel eel

Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...