What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
The snuggle is real.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Seed between the lines.
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
Are you a Victoria's Secret model? Because heaven's missing an Angel.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.
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