“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
"Be kind, re-wine."
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
Can I take a few shots at your goal?
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
We’re calling your number.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
He’s my pinch charming.
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