"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
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