What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
Sorry, did you fart? You blow me away!
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
If it weren’t for the summer sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
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