What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Nathan compares to you
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
"Sip happens."
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
We should make like your parents and split.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
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