Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.
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