Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
"What an egg-citing day."
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
We've reached the point of snow return.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
You look pretty cool, I hope you don’t lead me Jack to square one
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
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