“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
Hi, my friend thinks you're kinda cute, but I don't. I think you're absolutely gorgeous.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
You may be flightless but you make my heart soar.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
What happens when you die after Thanksgiving?
You go to Gravy Jones' Locker
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
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