Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
I dig you a hole lot.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
Damn girl, are you British?
Because you just conquered my heart
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
As soon as I saw your face, I knew you weren’t just the average Jo
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
Are you a customs agent? I feel like I need to declare my love to you.
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