A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
I only have ice for you.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
We’re in a-green-ment.
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
What are your plans tonight? I’ll be free if you’re feeling a little Leo-nly…
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
Herb your enthusiasm.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
Go to BabaMail
