There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'

Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.

Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!

Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.

I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".

"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor

Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.

Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.

Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!

What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.

My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.

What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”

I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"

The calm before the score

There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.

Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.

Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.

I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.

Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss

What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...

There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.

I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!

Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.

“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown

What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.

Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?

“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author

Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.

“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets

Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.

Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!

I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?

A witch burnt her butt on a candle.
She was angry. It was such a scandal.
She jumped on her broom
And zoomed to her doom.
Went too fast, so she flew off the handle!

What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.

What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.

What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.

-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.

Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.

What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.

What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.

Writers have great climaxes.

“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.

How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!

You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.