"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
Because of my rights related to eminent domain, you have to compensate me for stealing my heart.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
My weekend is fully booked.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
"You can't beat me."
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
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