Staying humble thanks to that fumble

Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.

What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.

It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.

I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.

What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!

. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.

Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.

What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.

Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.

If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.

Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?

I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.

Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.

“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark

Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.

What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.

If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?

Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!

Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.

Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.

Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.

“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”

- Sam Levenson

What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No, cows go MOO!

A little less conversation, a little more action please.

A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.

Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.

What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles

Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.

What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.

People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.

Does all this rain make you want an ark?

I Noah guy.

what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter

You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.

Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!

Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.

The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.

An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!

What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."

“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien

What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!

What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!