What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
Hey girl. Feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Husband material.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
If trees could kill you, they wood.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
Yo girl are you the 29th state added to America?
Because Iowanna be with anybody else
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
You look a lot like my next victim.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
Hey babe, I’ve been straining my oculomotor nerve looking everywhere for you.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
Can I hold your hand?
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
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