If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
Giving me your number sounds like a fair trade.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes
"I lava you."
I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
I loaf you.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
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