What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
My feelings of love for you are like the stars in the sky. They're probably long dead.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
Don’t go bacon my heart.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
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