What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
Go to BabaMail
