I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
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