I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
I can turn your software into hardware.
Let me check your tag.
Yep, just as I thought - Made In Heaven.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Thank brew very much.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
I hear your thirsty? Well I've got a six pack right here!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
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