Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
Belize me, baby, I will Peru'v my love for you at any Cost.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
People are always after me lucky charms.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
Go to BabaMail
