Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
My neighbor drank so much gravy on a Thanksgiving Day dare that he choked to death.
He went from the ladle to the grave.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
Wanna go explore some celestial bodies together?
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
Your name is insert name here?
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
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