"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."

- Unknown

Do you have raisins? How about a date?

What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.

What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.

"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein

"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James

Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.

I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.

What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.

In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.

Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.

“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”

- Max Eastman.

What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.

I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.

I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.

What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare

Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.

Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.

I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.

What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.

“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”

- Betty White.

What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.

What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.

Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish

What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!

What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.

If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.

“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman

Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!

The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.

You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.

What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!

What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.

The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.

Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.

What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07

What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.

I do not want anything fancy just you and a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream.

I like big punts and I cannot lie

What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.

“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward

What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”

Damn girl, are you British?
Because you just conquered my heart