What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
I need an Imodium because I can't hold in my love for you.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
Are you a computer technician?
Because you turn my hardware into software.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
We were mermaid for each other.
What is it like to get paid smoldering at the camera while wearing expensive clothes?
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
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