When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
You had me at taco.
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
"Just one hot chick."
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Call me on the shellphone.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
I think you’re dandelion.
Help me score one more time for team Canada?
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
Girl, you're so beautiful. I'd cross the Delaware River to be with you.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
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