The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
How do I know many hundreds of digits of pi greek and not the 7 digits of your phone number?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
Camel called.
He wants his toe back.
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
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