I just gotta say, you and that dog are looking awfully fetching in your photos.

Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder

What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!

Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!

What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.

It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.

The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.

Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?

To keep each udder dry.

I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.

“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits

What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.

What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!

What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.

When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.

What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.

Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.

Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?

No, with a knife.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

I snuggle to get through these winter days.

What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.

What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.

What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!

Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!

“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”

- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’

How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.

How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.

"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman

What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!

What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!

What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.

What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.

Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.

Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin

How to cars convince you?

By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’

“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”

—Yoko Ono

Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!

My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy

Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?

Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P

What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.

Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.

I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?

Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.

I like the way you espresso yourself.