I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
I'll light your fire for you if you want!
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
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