What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
With me with you, anywhere becomes the perfect Champ-site.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
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