What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Nice Ass-teroid.
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
Thin grippy thick slippery.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
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