Go big or go gnome.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Hey girl. Feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Husband material.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
Sorry I'm late, I kep falling for you on the way.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
Let me plant one on ya!
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
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