I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day.
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
I'm sorry did you say you drove the ski-doo, what's your ring size?
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
Go to BabaMail
