What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
Excuse me, do you happen to have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I scraped my knees falling for you.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
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