The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Hey baby, wanna witness a gamma ray burst?
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
It's lit.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
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