Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
Long thyme no see.
Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
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