Make it rein.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
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