What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
I love you from my head tomatoes.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Giving me your number sounds like a fair trade.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
Do you know why you need to get up early? Because you’re the sunshine.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
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