My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
"It's not me, it's you!"
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
You knead me in your loaf.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
You can toast my marshmallows anytime.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
I couldn't chair less!
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
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