What is the capital of Greece?
G.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
It's lit.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
In Ireland, I call the shots.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
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