What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.

A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"

Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.

What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.

Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.

Please, please me

What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.

"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."

You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.

“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown

It's ice to meet you.

why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.

What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.

If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.

Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"

You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.

What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.

My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!

Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.

I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.

Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.

Ruby, or not Ruby…that may be one question, but mine is actually will you go out with me?

What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!

My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.

When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!

What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.

My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.

What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.

What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!

I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.

What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.

Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”

What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!

What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!

An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.

You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more

Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.

Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.

What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!

I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.

What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.

I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.

I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level