What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
Is your tent erect yet or do you need help with that?
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
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