The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
You just caused a heat wave.
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
Distill my beating heart.
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
I’m no vampire but I’m fine with getting no sleep and biting your neck all night.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
You’re like the perfect audition piece: rare, beautiful, and extremely worth it.
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.
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