You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
"You can't beat me."
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
I Ecuador you.
I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
We’ve got serious chemistry.
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
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