Where my prose at?
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
Can February March? No. But April May.
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
Eddie edited it.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
You shift my emotional oxy-hemoglobin saturation curve to the left! Easy to bind, hard to let go...
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
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