What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Husband material.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
Only a**holes use bidets.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
Repeat this as many times as you get rejected until you get the number. Works like a charm.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
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