Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
Whatever coats your boat.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
You remind me of my last biking accident. Because I am going head over heels for you.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
I can get you off the Naughty List.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
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