On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Namastay here or come home with me?
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Go to BabaMail
