What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Bad spelling makes me sic.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
Go to BabaMail
