What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
"Bugs and hisses."
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
I bet you’re Ethan better in person
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
Dublin over in laughter.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
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