"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no
You feel like that old book tucked away in a corner – one look at it still makes my heart skip a beat.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
Levi's should pay you a royalty.
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
Leave poetry to the prose.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
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