The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
Someone said you were looking for me.
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
Let's boomerbang!
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
If I had Jack Sparrow's compass, it'd be pointing at you.
I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
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