My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
"Bone to be wild."
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
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