What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
"Adulting makes me wine."
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
My teen daughter was sent home from school for covid exposure.....
She’s now my quaranteen.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
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