What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.

What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!

I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg

What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.

What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.

Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!

If you were a tree, you’d be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.

I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.

Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.

Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.

What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.

Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.

Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.

What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.

Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird

I'd got to bat for you, babe.

Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.

I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.

“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers

Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.

What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.

Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.

I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!

If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?

When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.

“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz

She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost

Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.

What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.

How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.

I've seen a lot of Canada, but you could take me to the top of the world.

Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?

You are un-beer-lievable!

Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!

Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.

“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels

“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown

Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.

What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”

What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?

“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser

How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!

"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."

- Grant Tucker

If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?