For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
You’re my lucky charm.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
I know hundreds of Pi digits, but what I really want to know is the 7 digits of your phone number.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
Give me extra time; I’ll prove to you that I’m worth it.
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