How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
We’ll have a ball.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
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