I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
We bee-long together.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
Drink happy thoughts.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
Hey girl my heart is anywhere you are.
You're the thought that counts!
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
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