One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Can I help you carry your groceries to the car?
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
You smell. We should go take a shower together.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
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