You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
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