Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
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