Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
I’m invisible. [Really?] Can you see me? [Yes]. How about tomorrow night?
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
Go to BabaMail
