What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
I like Ronaldo, But I'd like to get Messi.
You know what they say about a man with big feet... he wears big shoes.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
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