"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.
Hey I am like a Rubik's cube the more you play with me the harder I get!
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
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